How To Cause Environmental Pollution: A Step-By-Step Primer

All right, enough of this hippy-dippy nonsense. It’s time to stop talking about how to solve the problems of environmental pollution, a phenomenon that, according to recent reports from the World Health Organization and the World Bank, is responsible for the death of one in five people around the world every year. That’s just not fast enough! If all us work together, we can help to cause environmental pollution to the point where we can shave entire decades, even centuries off of the lifetime of human beings on this planet. So let’s get started!

Step #1: Increase Your Carbon Footprint.

Your carbon footprint is the amount of carbon dioxide gas that you release into the environment every day, just by virtue of existing. Since carbon dioxide gas in the atmosphere is the single biggest cause of global warming through the greenhouse effect, a positive carbon footprint means that you’re releasing more carbon into the atmosphere than the environment can compensate for through natural means. In the United States, one household uses up an average of 19 metric tons of carbon gas every year, gas that remains trapped in the sky, slowly heating up the planet, melting the polar ice caps, and making the world hotter and harder to live in every moment.

You can do far better than that! If you’re carpooling or biking to work, stop immediately and buy an SUV. Buy one for every member of your family. Drive everywhere you go, even to your next-door neighbor’s house: why should you take any responsibility for the environment? Are we trying to cause environmental pollution here or aren’t we?

Step #2: Consume, Consume, Consume.

Plastic is one of the most common materials used in consumer goods, and one of the most difficult to create. To create a plastic housing, to package it, and to ship it to a store near you costs massive amounts of petroleum, earthly riches that can never be renewed in your lifetime. Increase the rate of petroleum consumption by buying as much as you can, the more worthless the product, the better! Buy so much that the store runs out of inventory and has to order more. Manufacturing will go up and fossil fuels will go down! As a bonus, more waste products will be dumped into the water and air, now that’s how to cause environmental pollution!

Step #3: Ignore All Advice Contrary To This Guide.

If lawmakers in the United States can do it, so can you! Any piece of information you can get, information about exactly how deadly environmental pollution is, exactly why we need to care about it, and exactly why we need to take action today in our daily lives to stop environmental pollution, is going to slow you down in your goal, which is to cause environmental pollution. So stop reading and learning, right now!

Stop learning! That’s the best way, after all, to cause environmental pollution.